If you were at a horrenderous slaughtering of a bunch of high school/college kids whilst in a field drinking beer, don't you think you'd lay down next to or even under a pile of mutilated bodies and pretend you are dead so maybe the chainsaw/axe murderer will think you are dead and not maim your body with a chainsaw/axe?
I'd either do that or jump in his way so he'll kill me first and get this over with.
I enjoy updating my website, and I enjoy updating about meaningless pieces of my life. It's something I do that won't turn into anything, but I like to update and talk about whats on my mind. This way, you fuckers will get to see what I'm like, and think "oooh, I'd like to sleep with that guy".
I've been in college for 6 semesters now, and after about halfway through the first one I was a pizza connoisseur.
Now, there is a strange phenomenon about pizza. And it is this. Say you order a pizza, regular pepperoni will do, and you eat about half of it. Mmmm, good, warm, cheesy pizza. Well, this is where the magic happens. Let that fucker sit anywhere from 3-12 hours and it takes on a taste all its own.
Aged pizza is its own culinary masterpiece complete with exquisite taste and aroma completely different of that of a fresh pizza. They are two completely different dishes, I feel.
Some prefer to microwave the aged pizza, some like it straight from the fridge, with that cold taste, but as Ted from Queer Eye has taught me, "throw that leftover pizza in a frying pan and keep that crispy crust crunch!"
What the fuck makes me such a pizza goddamned know it all you ask? Well well well, my friends, Let me take you on a journey through mystical realms of wonder, sorostitute night, shaved pubic hair, long nights of ping pong, and of course, a freshman dorm.
In my freshman year, my best friend Ken and I had pizza so much, that we shit out pizza rolls and sold them to other friends. Ken actually had a stack of pizza boxes about 5 feet high in his dorm room. We would generally stay up late playing "ping mother fucking pong" because we were (are) hard pipe hittin niggaz. And let me tell you what, after so much thrusting and diving on the ground and skinning our knees and knocking balls back and forth, we'd then play ping pong for a few hours, and order a pizza.
Actually on the day I moved out of my dorms, I found a slice of cheese pizza behind my fucking computer. That my friends, is the epitome of freshman year in the dorms.
Whoever has their local pizza delivery service number committed to memory has a gigantic cock. 579-7900, how it rolls off the tongue.
I, ladies and gentlemen, have one gigantic cock. KEN TOO!
I'd also like to talk about mowing the lawn while I'm here.
The good part about winter is that my grass doesn't grow, so that means I don't have to mow the fucking thing. The good part about last summer is my father lived 20 miles away, so I'd call him and he'd mow my lawn for me.
The bad part about this summer is that my father moved away, and my lawnmower broke. So I get a call from my ancient, decaying landlady bitching at me about my jungle in the backyard. I mentioned something witty about how her vagina probably has a jungle of pubic hair, but she didn't hear that.
So inbetween my 35 hour work week, my 2 presentations due, studying for finals, masturbation time, and time spent raping women in the nearby park, I have almost zero free time to mow the lawn, and this old lady is busting my balls about it?
So I mowed the fucking thing, to appease this relic of antiquity, and while I was mowing, it reminded me of this cool story from high school, in Shitomingo.
I was forced into drudgery then too, to mow the back lawn. So I'm mowing like a happy mother fucker, and I am going through some grass about 8 inches long (like me!) and I hear some ruckus. No, I cannot describe the ruckus. I look at the lawnmower, and I see it spitting out turtle colored slices of roast beef.
A few slices of a turtle ooze out of the side of the mower, so I lift it up, to see this turtle, well, actually half of a turtle. He's completely opened up, his shell is gone. It reminded me of an anatomy book, when they show pictures of a human body cut in half, and you can see all the organs.
That's only a mere fraction of the possum story. Perhaps I'll post that! Tee hee!
Quote of the Day: "I better get to sleep before I start giving somebody some gay man-head" -- Alex
There has been something at OU that makes me chuckle every time I walk past it.
I love showing people it when I'm walking by with them. It seems hardly anyone knows about Jimi's visage looking over the campus
I'm talking about Jimi Hendrix' face on the south side of the Bizzell Memorial Statue in the South Oval here at OU's campus. Jesus that was a long sentence.
It is sort of like a campus urban legend. I don't know where it came from, but I can speculate.
Let's say two crazy students at OU back in the 60's or 70's were all hopped up on goofballs, wanted to memorialize Jimi forever on campus. So they take Jimi's decrepit corpse from the cemetery (wherever he is buried), and then they sex up his corpse, eat any remaining cartiledge that is left, masturbate with mayonnaise, shoot their jizz in Jimi's decayed skull, and then stick a few of his finger bones (phalanges, as me and the boys call them) up their ass to sell on ebay 3 decades later.
Anyways, after they defile his corpse, they put his likeness on the back of the statue with acid or some other harsh abrasive material.
I'll try posting some pictures to walk you through the image
In the first photo, you can notice some discoloration above the center of the plate, but it's hard to see a discernable figure first glance.
I superimposed a photo of Jimi directly left of the face etching, to show the similarities
This next photo shows where the face is supposed to be, with Jimi's photo superimposed over it.
Finally here is a photo where I marked where the darker depressions were. Like wher the eyes are, the nose, and the lips. Directly underneath the eyes are some lighter areas which i believe to be Jimi's cheeks.
Post below if you were able to see it from my photo's. Also let me know if you walk by the actual statue and picked it up after seeing these pics!
Quote of the Day: "Kevin, I'm gonna fucking kill you, and you wanna know how? Let's see here, I'm going to take some acid, and put it all over your body so you start to melt, then I'm going to jack off and shoot my jizz on your burning body. After that, I'm gonna be horny so I'm going to pour acid on your asshole and eat out your ass. And now my face starts to melt from the acid on your ass, and my face and your ass gets bonded together in an ass-face combo. I'm then going to wear your dead corpse around while melted to my face as jewelry." -- Me
In my quest for a thorough understanding of life, I come across many seering questions that shake me down to the very essence of my soul (ie: the pudding in a tube issue). These are issues that need addressing, and if not properly discoursed, the world as we know it could implode with ignorance.
Today, I bring up the affair of Taquitos
I have a perplexing quandary that tortures my dreams involving these snacks.
The Best Eats Ever or Versatile Masturbation Aid?
Now, for you unfamiliar with taquitos, they are a delectable treat that hails straight from the slums of Mexico. They are about 8 inches long (like me!), and they are a corn tortilla with meat and cheese rolled up, and then baked to a crisp.
Katie Wyre says of the delightful snack: "They can be compared to ambrosia. These things are so good, after I poopy them out, I then eat my feces to get any lingering flavor that I missed the first time."
Now, with you brought up to speed on the awesomeness of this food, it appears there is a pretty strong case for Taquitos to be considered the best food ever. We haven't even explored the masturbatory options here.
I've scoured the internet, I've explored the visceral contents of our information superhighway, prying for any pertinate information regarding taquitos and masturbation. My lengthy journey took me to ButtMachine Boys. Now, on the surface, it looks like it's just a bunch of guys having some innocent fun assplay. INCORRECT. You must look past this superficial covering of the site. I found out the true nature of the site. IT INVOLVES TAQUITOS. CLICK BELOW TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN.
What would cause a man to vehemently destroy another man's ass with such wanton hatred as displayed in those photos? That I cannot answer you, but I promise to devote all of my free time exploring that site to find out.
The evidence does not lie, Taquitos are a delightful masturbation aid.
To experiment with the unheard of and world changing idea of both of these two possibilities at the same time, I recruited Ken Hensley to help me test this hypothesis.
Ken, being the innovative man that he is (god bless him), he found an awesome new way to eat Taquitos. It involves unscrupulous penetration of body cavities AND baked goods!
I present to you, the Double Dipper. Penetration removed to avoid retinal damage to my viewers.
Ken's Juice + My Juice + Taquitos = The Double Dipper.
So, to answer the question of
The Best Eats Ever or Versatile Masturbation Aid?
The answer is clearly BOTH.