I put the log in blog, niggers.

In a TUBE?!

I've recently come across a disturbing piece of material.

While it may be old news to all of you chic hipsters out there, It's new to me, so naturally, it's dumbfounding.

I'm walking through the park the other day, and I find this vexatious item.

Now, for the untrained eye, this looks like a candy bar wrapper. THAT is incorrect!

It's Portable Pudding.

PUDDING IN A TUBE

Now, I don't know about you, but when I was a wee kid, we didn't have these crazy snack items they have now. Pudding in a fucking tube? When I was 8 years old and in 3rd grade, we had a different name for pudding in a tube. We called it EJACULATE.

So naturally the image I get in my head is of a nubile 3rd grader with her luscious pig tails, and pretty pink backpack sucking vehemently on this pudding in a tube to get the sickly sweet liquid out of the middle. Once she has finished giving this candy wrapper a blowjob, she wipes the saliva and any errant scraps of pudding off of her chin.
Then deftly licks it off of her hands in the most voluptuous way possible.

Imagine my arousal disgust!

I have an idea, let's put other crazy shit in a tube so its more easily totable.

Idea #1: Toothpaste. I WILL MAKE A FORTUNE!

Idea #2: Spaghetti Sauce. Now you can have spagetti sauce wherever you want it!

Idea #3: Some sort of sexual lubricant. The same idea is at work here with pudding in a tube. On the playground, need something quick? Whip out your lube.

I've went ahead and taken the liberty and edited the Hershey's wrapper to have a more fitting name. Look closely kids.

Now it's a bit more conspicuous, of what's really in that tube.

Quote of the Day: "I think she thinks my weiner tastes like penis" -- Kevin

PREGGERS!

My sister Jessica is perhaps the most computer illiterate person in California.

You see, Jessica is pregnant, and I've been asking her to send me photos of her belly for like, about 3 and a half years now. She just now figured out how to tie her shoes, and somewhere in there, I got the photos! I'm so excited!

She's only 4 months in in that photo, but she's very beautiful! I can't wait to see her early April.

This is the girl who would beat the fuck out of me as a little kid.

One time, I totally soaked her and her boyfriend at the time with my super soaker, cuz thats what you do with a super soaker. You fucking soak people with it. For some reason, she got way pissed. Obviously she didn't grasp the concept of super soakers.

Anyways, she gets a bucket full of water, kicks in my door, and douses me, on my bed! Totally soaking my bed. I proceed to run around the house screaming and crying, cuz I'm like 8, and she hides in the kitchen, behind our pantry with a fucking frying pan. As I come streaking through the kitchen, she clocks me in the face with said frying pan, sending me spiraling down to unconsciousness.

My lovely sister, how I love you!

Now, for Spring Break.

I emphasize the word Break, and by Break, I mean that Rusty's is breaking my will to live by working me 40+ hours over the week. I have zero free time, that means I have to masturbate at WORK.

Sorry to those of you whom I've already told the 'break my will' to live joke, I felt it was worth the webpage.

I have news my friends. Before March 12th, 2004, I was one of 7 people in Norman, Oklahoma, without a cellular phone. As of the date stated above, I received my first phone.

I'm a Cell Out.

I made that pun up all by myself. IM me at V1rtuosity and ax me for my #, if you're cool enough, you'll be bestowed with it. If you already have it, you are the coolest people in Oklahoma.

I leave you today, my friends. with a photo of my Nag Champa. I bought 180grams of it off of ebay for super cheap!

I'm a GENIUS!

Hello my friends. For my whole life I've had certain acquaintances that had amazing artistic ability, and I've always been jealous. They could rip out a sheet of paper, and draw anything they've ever wanted with amazing detail

Me, on the other hand, have always been relegated to express myself through stick figure drawings.

Well, a few weeks ago, I'm in class, paying about 42% attention and spending the other 66% trying to draw this ugly dude sitting close to me. Well, I looked through my notes and realized I had shit tons of these drawings, but only in the margins of my notes.

Had I blossomed into that wonderful artist I knew was inside of me? Had I taken command of my artistic talent and seized it? Was I now able to draw anything I've ever wanted with amazing clarity and superb talent? Well, the answers to all of these questions are a painful NO. I'm a shit ass artist, and I now realize most of us can't draw worth fuckass.

Well, the point of all of this is, I consider myself an artist! A wonderful, viewpoint changing artist with my influential ways. The only thing is, I only do it in the margins of my notes from class, and I'm willing to bet all you college kids out there do much the same.

Well, since this is my f'ing webpage, I'm going to air my gallery for everyone to see! Put forth my art!!

This is my severed hand along with a ping pong table.

A mutinous angel! I also have this weird fascination about drawing chains.

I can only imagine that I was trying to draw our 14th president, Abraham Lincoln, accompanied by a Spam container, and a clock telling me how I'll never get out of the class.

Obviously a very nice cutlery set. Incredibly well drawn, I might add.

It appears the scissors from the aforementioned cutlery set have just castrated someone in a most cruel manner.

This man is into sodomy, and also, dental hygiene.

A cyclops is surprised to find his reflection! And some dude is playing with explosives.

This was a sorostitute in one of my classes, I feel I captured her essence very well, except I didn't draw any crusted semen on her chin.

Giving props to Sir Elton.

I decided to draw a monkey on a typewriter because once my father brought up the interesting idea that if you had a room full of monkeys, hammering away at typewriters, then with enough time, they'd type out without any mistakes anything in the world, Gone With The Wind, The Bible, even your "dork diary". My dad said if they sat there for all of eternity it could happen. While it bores my giant, high powered brain to think about such mundane things, I'll let you guys think on that one for a while. I think mathematically, it's possible, but fuck, they got all of eternity. I could type a decent blog update with that much time.

Also, to quote my friend Jamie "is that a monkey or a black man with a tail?"

In response, Jamie. There really is no difference. TEE F'ING HEE!

This helpful young man was quoting my notes for me

That last one was for Katie. SQUIDS EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan recently sent me this link, it has an awesome commercial that I suggest you guys watch!
I FEEL GREAT!

For the past week I've been crazy into the Blues music genre, so if you know of any nipple rocking blues songs/artists, don't hesitate to email me

Quote(s) of the day: "Okay, dictionary.com tells me you're one disgusting guy" -- Jane

"Danny, I don't think Hitler should be put in video games" -- John

what's this

Dan has an update planned, but he's working like a jap slave currently

He'll be back to serinade you beautiful people into taking your clothes off for him once again soon