February 19, 2004
FIRE IN MY PANTS
I've taken an interest in cooking as of late, and just recently I've come across a wonderful recipe that I'd like to share with all of you, the Chickenwing Faithful.
Dan's Recipe for Ring Sting
Now, for the 2 main ingredients.
Jalapenos. You need a good amount, but not so much that they dominate the taste of the sandwich.
Next is the spicy mustard. I like to call this ingredient, "The gift that keeps on giving".
Use liberal doses, but again, not enough to take over the whole sandwich.
With the main ingredients out of the way, we can move along to the color flavors of the sandwich. Like, your choice of meat. Roast beef works well, Turkey also does, or a mixture of salami and pepperoni works wonders.
Next, I feel sliced sandwich pickles are a must have. Their taste of vinegar is vital to the essence of the sandwich. Put on as many or as few as you like, but the sandwich needs some
Put lettuce, tomatoes, bell peppers, or olives on the sandwich as you see fit, the only requirement here really is lettuce, and we all know its a filler anyways.
To make your lives easier, you can just go to SubWay to make this delectible sandwich for you for around $3.50 (6 inch) and $5.75 (12 inch).
Now, the real magic starts to take place about 7-8 hours after you devour this lovely sandwich. The contents that I've described will coalesce in your stomach while you go about your daily routines.
Now, this is where the real beauty begins of my Ring Sting recipe. Your stomach rumbles, and lurches. Let's pray to go you're at your own house, or you better make a B-line to your house.
Let's use a hypothetical situation. Say you're at a friends house, perhaps a girlfriends house, and you decide to walk home to use your restroom. Thankfully your house is a short short walk, about 200 steps from your girlfriends house.
The moment you step outside her door, your innards cramp in such a way, that your legs almost buckle. You decide to jog home, but after 2 steps, you decide against the growing probability of leakage.
This is when an oddity happens that all your years of proper bathroom etiquette can't explain. You actually contemplate pulling down your shorts, and leaning up against the park fence just for a moment, and let the first wave of hot boiling onslaught get out of your body. You figure, hey, the social stigma of crapping your pants isn't that bad, right? I can make it home shortly thereafter to perform cleanup and any residual excretion that needs happening.
Logic takes over, you have an iron will! You clench back the burning, fiery slag with the force of an imploding star! You WILL make it home!
At last, you approach your front door! Dread covers your face. IT IS LOCKED. Fumbling for the keys, you know any wasted moments can result in not only horrible embarrassment, but the calling for a laundry day a few days early.
With the door out of the way, you float through the house effortlessly, and into the bathroom. Is the lock secure? Yes, good, nobody should accidentally happen into the bathroom and witness the humiliating and noxious details that are about to unfold.
This is where the term 'Ring Sting' comes in. As you are on your way to sit down, it is so bad that the disgraceful broth exits early. It's that bad. Before any part of you hits the actual toilet seat, you're already dumping the contents of your intestines, thankfully, into the toilet.
What follows next can only be described as borderline religious. Your blood goes alkaline due to your heavy panting, and wild thrashing about. Cold sweat beads on your head. The exercising of such a vile flow of liquid hot magma makes your vision blur.
Hope is on the horizon my friend! It's almost over! The end is near! You're done. Remember the gift that keeps on giving? This is the second gift. At this point you're actually contemplating wetting down the toilet paper with cold, ice cold water before you swipe it.
With the knowledge that you've crested the mountain. You've triumphed over the evils in this world, and you have the lingering wound of battle to prove it. It's the pulsating feeling in your pants, the feeling like you've just expulsed battery acid through your colon.
My friends, this is Ring Sting. Now, you know you can handle anything in this world, once you've conquered this.
If you've been through this, and lived, post below! Your name will be added to the Survivor's Hall! Forever will you be remembered!
February 08, 2004
AND THE WINNER IS...
If you have not read the introductory update about the Miss White OU Pageant, please read about it here
Welcome Back everyone! The judges have spent the entire weekend reviewing the scores, the swimsuit competition tape, comparing oral sex performances from each of the finalists, and its all boiled down to this.
Before I announce the winner, I have an announcement. The Gaylord Family has contacted me about the Pageant, and paid me 50,000,000 for sponsorship, so our pageant is now the
Gaylord Family Miss White OU Gaylord Pageant, Sponsored by the Gaylord Family.
I present to you, the First Annual (Sponsored by Gaylord Families)
Miss White OU
It is MISS ANDREA HARTON!!!!!
Miss Andrea Harton will be honorarily inducted into the Gaylord Family for winning! She also gets cunnilingus from David Boren!
** UPDATE ** UPDATE ** BREAKING NEWS
Just mere hours after being announced the winner of our inaugural pageant, I regret to inform you that Andrea Harton was brutally murdered. If you are squeamish, you might not want to scroll down any further, I've recieved a photo of the gruesome scene from Andrea's house It is not yet clear who committed this horrible crime. Perhaps it was an angry militant black group? Perhaps it was a pedophile who goes by the alias 'Senor Hardcock', or perhaps Andrea's parents could not deal with the stress of their young daughter garnering so much fame and attention so they beat her to death with a shoe, stuck her tiara up her ass, strangled her, took a dump on their daughters frigid cold dead body, and then perhaps the father sexed up her corpse, finally only to eat their daughter from the thighs down. Police reports indicate that as they were contacting Andrea's parents for information, Mr. Harton was quoted as saying "Sure, my wife and I will come down to the station, let me cleanse my penis of any left over crusted blood from the corpse of my mutilated daughter". I tried feverishly to attain pictures of the father's penis, but to no avail. It is with a heavy heart that I forever shut down the Miss White OU Pageant. Miss Andrea Harton will forever be remembered for being sodomized by her crazy ass father. Also, for being the only Miss White OU, sponsored by the Gaylord Family. In closing, I leave you with this song There she is, Miss White OU, Her mother was jealous, her father was a pervert, Any names used in the above story is completely fictitious. They by no means bear any resemblance to current or real world happenstances
Only lived a few hours after being crowned the winner
Her parents beat her until she was black and blue
and ultimately, she ended up being dinner
They took a dump on her chest, the tiara in her pooper
the mom clubbed her to death, her father gave her a squirt.
But, for one night, she was Miss White OU, and she sure was super!
February 05, 2004
In Honor Of..
it is February, my friends. As we all know, February is Black History Month. We celebrate the wonderful history that African Americans have had, but only for a month.
This got me thinking, now, what if White people got together and celebrated their history for a month? Would it be deemed racist? Would people get upset?
Shortly after I had this thought, I realized that we teach White History year round. So to that, my countdown to resume 'White History Year' is currently at 24 days.
Now, I overheard a classmate (ok, I eavesdropped) talking about the Miss Black OU Pageant. Now, I feel things become a bit slanted at this juncture. If the crazy caucasians decided to have a Miss White OU Pageant, it would be deemed racist and some crazy ass activists would be all over it like (insert specific race attracted to specific ethnic food here).
Regardless, the Upper Management here at Chickenwing has decided to hold the first annual
Miss White OU Pageant
We chose to hold this pageant for we felt it necessary to end all oppression against our race. We at Chickenwing feel that holding this pageant will bring equality throughout the universe.
Before I present a short bio on each of our four finalists, I feel its necessary to introduce the Judges to you
Our first judge is a famous man who's currently vying for the Democratic Vote for President. I present to you, the Rev. Al Sharpton:
When asked to Judge for this years pageant, Rev. Sharpton was quoted as saying 'Why I'd love to. I need to fuck me some White Women'. His enthusiasm is much appreciated in this event.
Our second judge is also a well known black man amongst our country. When he heard about the MissWhite OU Pageant he promptly threated to take us to court saying "It would be inconceivably preposterous for this institution of scholastic amelioration to hold a pageant without the representations of adjudicators of all diversities. And by all diversities, I mean they need to have a black man there". I present to you, Jesse Jackson.
We appreciate his...... ummm..... Vocabulary.
Now, the Contestants!
Our first finalist comes from the great state of Texas. She was born in a plastic plant just outside of Plano. Her Major here at OU is Fashion. She's a member of the Tri-Delt Sorority and she's been quoted as saying "Tri-Delts love Richard!" I present to you, Miss Carla Danielson!
Our next finalist is Tammi Reece. Tammi comes to us all the way from New York. There has been some speculation that Tammi is actually a man named James Dockins, but Tammi has titties and that makes Rev. Sharpton happy! Tammi's favorite quote is "I'm a tranny, let me see your fanny!"
Contestant 3 is from Alcott Middle School, right here in Norman! She's considered the hometown favorite. She says her major will be "eating pizza", and she's been quoted as saying "My daddy touches me in my bathing suit area". Little Miss Andrea Harton!
And now my friends, last but certainly not least, we have contestant number 4! She was found at the East Side Wal-Mart eating butter! Her personal quote is "Don't call me that, I don't even know what the hell a Manatee is".
Miss Laura Jenkins!
The swimsuit and talent competitions will take place tonight, expect the winner to be announced over the weekend! The suspense is so thick, you could slather it in butter and have Laura eat it!