Oh my dear lord, I just heard something that put awe into my childlike brain. Tears came to my eyes, and I dropped to my knees, mouth agape. When I first heard, I thought to myself "oh my god, this is something I'm going to tell every person I ever meet for the rest of my life". That's how crazy this shit is. So, my sister Lindsay gets a job interview for dollar rent a car (a fairly nice job in Tahlequah, OK). So she really needs a job and shit, she even cancelled her Amarillo trip for my grandmother's 80th birthday. Anyways, it turns out she has to drug test. She smokes like 7 pounds a day.
Well, my mother tells me last night that Lindsay passed her drug test.
"no shit? did she use one of her bullshit remedies she's told me about"
"no, she had your father piss in a condom and she carried it in with her while tucked into her panties"
SHE KEPT MY FUCKING DADS PISS WARM WITH HER BODY WARMTH. My dad's funk was all rubbing up against my sisters labia, IN A CONDOM. Can you imagine how she felt when she first pressed the condom up against her skin. was it warm? was it cold? WAS IT WET?
These are things i don't want to ask. But its my dedication to journalism that keeps me seeking the answers.
Do you know for how long i've been trying to plan a scheme to somehow dupe my father out of a condom full of his own piss? Fucking fuck shit.
I think its a pivotal point in my life. There is just no going back after you've found out about the harmonious three way marriage of your father's piss, a condom, and your sisters need for clean urine.
I am who I am, partly because I came out of that man's penis.
Interesting facts I�ve found out in the past week:
My mother drinks boxed wine out of a flask, on any drive over 200 miles.
There is a porn site called asstraffic.com
My cats nipples are swelling
I�m still able to shit and have it smell like baby poop
Josh �is not able to laugh and pee at the same time. One or the other.�
The dollar store is a dangerous place
Amarillo. It has this weird aura all of its own. It�s like an aura of apathy, which has enveloped the entire city. The sense of apathy is encouraged by the summer days which consist of the sun splashing a yellowy glow on every front porch, front lawn, and through windows all across the town.
It�s a town in the middle of nowhere. Just a dot in the middle of a landscape that consists of yellow grass, dry shrubs, and absolutely no variation in altitude.
Amarillo is Spanish for yellow. This fits well, because in A-town, it�s not uncommon to see very large patches of yellow dry grass. I�ve noticed this since I was 6 years old, and nobody really seems to care in Amarillo. �oh yea, the grass? yea, that happens here.�
The buildings all looked fairly old. I went to IHOP with my cousin Megan, and there was nowhere to park. So we pulled around back and parked in a mini mall parking area. I asked megan if anyone would care that we parked there. She said, in her Texas drawl
�Honey, we got land here. nobody cares.�
I was amazed the rest of the trip. It was true! They do have a lot of parking, everywhere! I�ll be a mother fucker!
I had the bad luck to run into some restaurants that looked like they tried too hard to pick an authentic atmosphere for their restaurants, so they unfortunately turned out to be fairly cheesy, and of so-so food. Well, my cousins and I decide to eat at a Mexican place called Ruby Tequilas. Sadly, we did not invite an aunt, or someone of the older family to come along, so we had to actually pay for ourselves. Well, we pass around a few pitchers of margaritas, and I get fairly drunk. I also gobbled this plate of food that involved a couple tamales, with beans, rice, all topped with cheese. Lastly, it was all covered with 2 eggs over easy. We�ll be revisiting the food later.
Skipping some uninteresting bullshit, 2 hours after eating, I end up really really stoned and sitting in the what-a-burger drive through for 20 minutes. Niggers are slow (subliminal nigger)
As we pull up to the window, I calmly open my door, lean out, and vomit up TWO AND A HALF FUCKING POUNDS of tex-mex in an arc of garbled food and stomach acid.
As I sat with chunks of gelatin-coated food slowly dripping from my face, admiring such a grand puddle of vomitus, an older couple walked by on their nightly walk. They gasped at the puddle of vomit with unholy terror in their eyes. I politely explained to them that a demon did not take over my body, and spew out ground up human corpse flesh out of my mouth. No, that did not happen. I just got a little sick and expulsed a 55 gallons of throw up in the drive through of a food establishment.
I wonder if I ruined any appetites by forcing Amarillo to drive through my Mexican throw up. I hope I did. Fuckers.